Four Ways to Wreak Havoc on North Fulton Traffic

Suppose you’re an evil and diabolical villain, hell bent on destroying traffic for hundreds of thousands of commuters in north Fulton. How would you do it? I suppose you could create a catastrophe, maybe have a truck spill beanie babies all over the highway. But that’s been done already. No, you’re more evil than this. You want to create long-term mayhem on Alpharetta’s byways. Here are a few ideas. Surely politicians, policy makers and consultants would never dream of considering such things.

Make Roads More Narrow

Find a nice state highway, one that’s vital for moving cars from jobs to homes. Add unnecessary medians to the highway. Don’t acquire additional land to do this, just make the lanes more narrow. Traffic will bottleneck, backing up onto surface streets. Justify the project and its funding by calling it “transit-related” and launder the funds through MARTA. Sell it to an unknowing public by planting pretty trees and bushes. Surely no one would attempt this along, say, Highway 9 in Alpharetta.

Commuting on Bike Paths

Stock up on your granola for this one, dude. Let’s divert funds away from roads and build bike paths! Sure, everyone loves a park with walking and bike paths. The greenway is as popular as ever. Maybe we can throw some funding at these, in our transportation plans, and call it a commute alternative! We’ll highlight bike paths in press releases and community meetings, drawing attention away from the fact that we are not widening surface streets or making intersection improvements. We’ll help the press find crunchy granola types who say they’ll ride bicycles to work and save the environment. In reality, the bike paths won’t make a meaningful dent in traffic. The folks at the Georgia DOT are way smarter than this. They would never call a park a commute alternative.

Mix Pedestrians with Traffic

Hold out your evil pinkie for this one. Let’s encourage walkers to cross busy state highways! Of course we might have to lower the speed limits and add crosswalks. It sounds dangerous, but if we hire some consultants “professionals”, they could spin it to sound like a positive. We can even pay the “professionals” with tax dollars from outside Georgia. Responsible leaders in places like Milton would never give something like this the time of day. And if they did, they wouldn’t want the road to be known as New Milton Parkway. Nonsense.

High Density Development

Smart drivers avoid intersections like Windward and 400 during rush hour and the lunch break. But in the evenings and weekends it’s smooth sailing. Let’s spread out the traffic misery a little bit by build some high density housing at these intersections! Sure, it won’t add a lot of traffic at rush hour, it’ll just stretch it well past 6:00 and into the weekends. Alpharetta’s surface streets can be just like Dunwoody and Sandy Springs. Level-headed planners would never consider such an idea at an important interchange like Haynes Bridge and 400. If they were so misguided, never in a million years would it get a unanimous vote.

So there you have it. Were Dr. Evil to hold Alpharetta hostage, I’m sure this is how he’d do it. Sharks with frickin laser beams? Overkill.

Photo Credit: Los Angeles Daily News

8 Responses to “Four Ways to Wreak Havoc on North Fulton Traffic”

  1. Baconwrappedrob March 7, 2011 at 8:01 am #

    LOL! I really appreciate you perfect use of sarcasm. Well done, Lee!

  2. GA Jim March 7, 2011 at 8:25 am #

    Great article Lee. You do a terrific job of injecting humor into a frustrating issue.

    Every Alpharetta resident complains that relieving traffic is their number one priority but the city spends next to nothing on actual road improvements. Instead they just find some sucker (like MARTA or the federal government) to pay for these frivolous projects du jour.

  3. Mike Kennedy March 8, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    Lee,

    You conveniently forgot the part about the millions of dollars in traffic improvements (added lanes/capacity) that Met Life is adding at Haynes Bridge & 400. Oopsy.

  4. Jimgilvin March 8, 2011 at 11:23 am #

    Mike- You conveniently forgot the part about the $123,000,000 in lost jobs the city exchanged for the condos and road improvements. Oopsy

  5. Lee March 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

    Indeed. I also failed to mention that we can expect nearly 500 condos in a small strip of land. And I didn’t mention Windward Mill’s condos, but that’s another article.

    I’m glad the developer threw you a bone, I just prefer them to be a little meatier.

    Thanks for comment, Councilman.

    ps – Snarkiness is an endearing quality of bloggers, however I don’t suggest it for politicians.

  6. Kim March 9, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

    ROFL!!! Ever considered a second career at the Punchline?

  7. Kim March 10, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    Yikes! The Compactorizer has come to North Fulton!

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